


Fear of Possible Nonbeing

by Intergalactic_Octopus



Series: The Stained Hands Series [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Also Thane just gets fucked so you know you wanna read it, Biracal Shepard, Biracial Zaeed, F/M, Friendship, Interspecies Romance, Interspecies Sex, Jealousy, Non Human Gender Binary, Sex Toys, safe sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 14:49:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10538688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Intergalactic_Octopus/pseuds/Intergalactic_Octopus
Summary: Existential psychologist say that death is the cause for many people’s anxiety. For Thane, this idea is closer to the truth in his heart. The crew waits for the Normandy to arrive at the Omega Relay and Thane finds himself fearful of his place in the universe, his place at Shepard’s side and where Zaeed fits in there as well.Thane and Zaeed's jealousy reaches it's apex and needs to be settled before they fly to their deaths on a suicide mission.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Categories of Nonbeing  
> 1) Ontic – Fate and Death  
> 2) Moral – Guilt and Condemnation  
> 3) Spiritual -Emptiness and Meaningless

          With the Normandy on route to the Omega-4 Relay, the sobering reality of the remaining crew’s fate seemed to hit them all at once. This was the end. They may die. And it was scary.

          This was probably why they’d all congregated in the mess hall together. The ship was too quiet to be alone. From an outsiders-in perspective, most of the combatant members of the crew should have liked quiet. When they joined, they were surly, angry and prickly. The mission was righteous and just but it gave them the chance and opportunity to settle debts otherwise unobtainable. So they were better now though. At least in a better state. And death was a lot scarier than they first thought. 

          Thane pushed around a cup cool tea and listened to the crew speak to cover their anxieties. Death had become a memory at that point for him though.  Theoretically, he should have been able to relate a little more with the rest of the crew. There should have been advice he could give to make them feel better. Something about them “making the galaxy a better place” or “giving life a head start should they fail”. But he watched the weak brown tea swirl around his cup and found himself at a loss for words. He wasn’t finding peace in his own mortality like he used to. How could he help them when he couldn’t help himself?

          Lucky for him, they knew him as a man of few words. It wasn’t awkward when they talked over his head and when he offered little to their conversation.

          “What do Collectors need heat sinks for anyway?” Joker chimed in over the com. He couldn’t leave his post and was stationed on the, normally, busiest part of the ship. It was far too quiet for him up there with just E.D.I.

          “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, more ammo for us I say.” Jacob replied to the ceiling. He was pushing around a pieced of chunked meat from a meal pack for about ten minutes. The food hadn’t been eaten. The upcoming mission probably sat too heavy on his stomach to make room for food.

          “Doesn’t that quote refer to the horse of the Trojan War?” Miranda chimed in, nursing a cold cup of coffee between her thin fingers. She’d been sitting on the edge of the table and pretending she didn’t want to be part of the conversation. There were a lot of people pretending at the table.

          “Don’t look a useful horse then.” Zaeed said with his arms cross over his chest and his seat dangerously leaned back on two legs. Very fitting for his personality, Thane thought.

          Thane drank his tea and just watched Zaeed carefully. This was Shepard’s best friend. Shepard’s closest friend. His lips turned down in a frown at that thought.

          Thane did his best to stay out of Shepard’s business. He offered a helpful word very now and again but he knew she was more that capable of handling her own affairs. Nevertheless, it still didn’t stop him from being annoyed that the Shepard and Zaeed were _still_ not talking.

          After the sparring match that was supposed to ease tensions and allow the crew to let off steam, whatever their friendship was had fractured. Shepard flat out refused to talk about it when he asked though. But the fact was, it bothered her. And it was profoundly clear by the furrow in her brows and her tight jaw.

She missed Zaeed. And it didn’t seem to matter that she had Thane’s company, the company of her boyfriend. It did nothing to ease that _particular_ need. At least that’s how Thane saw it. And he wasn’t sure how to feel.

          Before Thane’s face betrayed him and broadcasted all his inner turmoil to the team, Shepard came around the corner from the elevator to join them in the mess hall.

           She normally stood so squared in her resolve for the future but at that moment she was just tired. Thane could see she was doing her best to hide this from everyone but he knew her well enough to know the mask was slipping dangerously low. Anger at the Collectors and the benefactor of the mission were the only things keeping her going.

          “Shepard.” Tali spoke before he got the chance. “Do you want to sit down?” Again, Tali was already making room for her at the table before he could.

          “No thank you.” Shepard smiled politely at Tali and let her gaze pass over the crew. They all looked up to meet her eyes. All except Zaeed. He was looking at the ceiling, squeezing his fists tightly. She stared at him for a moment as if mental thought could make him look at her but it didn’t work. Defeated, she bit her lip, stoned her face and put back on the smile as if everything was alright.

_I’m right here._ Thane found himself thinking, and then was annoyed by his own jealousy.

           “I just wanted to talk to you all.” Shepard addressed everyone, pressing her hands behind her back. Too stiff and formal. And uncomfortable.

          “It better not be some sappy mess.” Grunt snorted, leaning up against the wall that separated the hallway from the mess. “You’re better than that Battle Master.”

          Grunt’s comment caught her off guard and she laughed. Very hard. Thane couldn’t help but smile at the way the tension seemed to fall from her body so easily with her laughter. She needed it. And it made him sad that he wasn’t in a position give her that. That’s what she had Zaeed for, he thought.  She laughed so much harder around the mercenary.

          “Again, no.” There was more ease in her voice once she laughed. “I just wanted to let you all know I’d be in my quarters until we get to the Relay. That’s where I’ll be if you need me.” She said, her open invitation for anyone that needed it. Thane gripped his cup, unsure if he’d be able to take her up on that offer. A dark part of him wondered if it was even for him.

          “I figured if we aren’t prepared now then there really isn’t a damn thing we can do now, huh. So, get some rest, okay? You’ve all made me proud.” She smiled and was met with a chorus of teasing groans and jokes at her expense. Mostly Jack and Joker calling her a “mush”.

          She threw back her own jokes and stepped toward the table to give Garrus a punch to the shoulder for making fun of her fondness for emotional speeches. She then gave him another punch for hurting her knuckles with his oversized armor.

          This bit of joking seemed to make everyone feel better. Shepard had that way about her. It was her laugh. It was one of the many things he loved so much about her. She’d throw her head back to the sky with pure abandon and whatever problems were around her didn’t exist in that moment. It gave hope. It gave him hope at least. When she was laughing, it was impossible not to think everything was going to work out. He clenched his jaw and felt unworthy to take comfort in her joy. Not when he was so conflicted about her feelings toward him.

          She turned to leave with a long sigh and Thane couldn’t help but watch. He knew he should have been following. There we many things he needed to ask her and thing he wanted to talk about. He couldn’t follow though in case someone else needed to talk to her first. There was a chance he wouldn’t leave once he got up there.

          There was also another possibility that kept him in his seat. His own fears could have been true and she wanted Zaeed at the end and not him.

          Selfless and selfish reasons. He wasn’t sure which were true. Maybe a mixture of both? Neither were helpful and kept him glued in place.

          There was another set of eyes on her that Thane noticed in his periphery. Zaeed had put his chair back down on four legs and was watching her as well. Thane and Zaeed had similar professions but that’s where the similarities, so Thane believed. Zaeed made no attempt to keep his face from showing what was inside his mind. There was discomfort. Confusion. Embarrassment?

  
          “The fuck’re you looking at?” Zaeed snarled. Thane was caught.

          “I could ask the same.” Thane said coolly but filled with jealousy. Jealousy he hadn’t quite processed yet but it was too late to take it back. Everyone could hear it.

          That served as a queue for the crew to leave.

          A slew of excuses came from them all. Garrus needed to check calibrations. Samara wanted to meditate before the fight. Most of them had something that _just_ happened to need handling at that moment. The exception was Jack and Grunt who wanted to hang back to see the fur fly, so they assumed. Miranda and Kasumi just showed the pair the elevator before returning to their own corners on the third floor.

          “If they kill each other I better get a vid of it!” Jack shouted to E.D.I. before the elevator closed.

          “Of course, I will send it to your omni-tool." Unshackled E.D.I. had her jokes it seemed.

          Thane and Zaeed sat at odd angles at the table and so turned their chairs to face each other. The tension was far thicker than he cared to admit.  Zaeed didn’t say anything, just stared at him with the same scowl Thane had been giving him earlier.

          “You gonna talk or you just gonna stare?” Zaeed asked and Thane couldn’t find what Shepard found so pleasurable about his company. A least not at that moment.

          His own fears were twisting his emotions.

          He’d down enough meditation and mindful thinking to understand that his feelings weren’t exactly normal. He wasn’t so oblivious that he didn’t realize jealousy _may_ have been clouding his perception. Both past and present ideas of the mercenary. He’d never hated Zaeed before. He didn’t even dislike him. Even when they rolled on top of each other and Zaeed flirted with her so brazenly.

          How he saw it then and how he saw it at that moment were so different.

          Then it was all in fun.

          Now, it felt like Zaeed was just rubbing how close they were in his face.

          He was sure he was wrong but it couldn’t help it.

          This mission was a suicide mission. It wasn’t a fancy tag on to make it sound dangerous for the thrill. They could die. They were so little time left. So watching Zaeed just made him so very angry. It was like his chest was on fire watching Zaeed, who in his indifference, held so much of Shepard’s attention.

           “Why aren’t you talking to, Si-Shepard.” Thane almost slipped and used his nickname for her. Selfishness was the only explanation. It wasn’t for _him_.

          “What’s it to you?” Zaeed asked.

          “What’s it to me?!” Thane snapped, uncharacteristically furious. He stood so quickly from his seat that the chair screeched across the slick floors. Why no one hadn’t poked their heads out their doors to see what was going on was a miracle. Or just them _minding_ their own business.

          Zaeed didn’t move and just held his arms across his chest again, staring up at him with mismatched eyes. No hint of realization of what he’d done wrong on his face at all. That only made Thane angrier.

          “Do you even care about her friendship?” Jealousy through and through. How could someone who cared so little garner so much of her attention. It was unfair. Not when he was dying.  

          “Of course I do!” Zaeed shouted, offended.

          Shockingly offended.

          It been the first real emotion he’s shown the whole day. This took Thane by surprise and he was hardly surprised. But then again, Thane wasn’t in the right state at that moment. There were a few things that could have been overlooked.   

          “Then why are you like this?” Thane asked, putting his hand on the table. “Why are you ignoring her? Do you not understand how important you are to her?”

          Zaeed’s expression dropped and he ran his hand over his face. There were so many things going across his face that Thane could not make sense of.

          “Why are you making her chase you?” Thane’s voice was softer, and pleading.

          The constantly shifting emotions on Zaeed’s face finally settled on one. Sadness. The hardened mercenary looked sad. His mouth twisted as if there were words trying to escape that he didn’t want. Finally, he looked away and focused on nothing important but purposefully keeping his gaze from Thane.

          “Yeah well,” Zaeed finally spoke. “What’s she need me for if she’s got you?”

          This sobered Thane, who took a seat back in his chair. He’d misread so much. In his own shame, his worries, his own fears, he never thought that Zaeed of all people was going through the same thing as him. Thane slumped back in the chair and let his head hang low as he thought of what to do next.

          The two sat in silence for quite a while. Neither of them knew exactly what to say but Thane had a good idea. A small smiled formed across Thane’s face that could almost be misconstrued for condescending. Far from it. It was self-deprecating if a trait needed to be attributed.

          “Would you like to know a secret, Massani?” Thane said, amusement in his voice. He didn’t mean it but it was the only way to cover up how unbelievably embarrassed he was for his actions.

          “What?” Zaeed snapped, turning his attention to Thane once again.

          “The same thought crossed my mind.” That smile was still present but he let out a long sigh and sat back up right.

          Zaeed only looked at him with confusion and a bit of hostility. Thane realized he need to elaborate.

          “Forgive me.” Thane said then stopped. “I suspect I will be asking for your forgiveness a lot in a moment, bear with me.”

          “Out with it.” Zaeed said, his words more curious than impatient.

          “Yes, of course.” Thane crossed his legs and tried to think over his words carefully. He was, rightfully, on thin ice with Zaeed already it seemed.

          “I am jealous of you, Massani.” He confessed. It felt good to be honest instead of stewing.  “I feared that, with the limited time I have, I’ll never have a relationship like you have with Shepard. And with you two fighting now, I find myself angry at your indifference. It is… shameful but-“ He stopped, trying to find the “but”. There was none. It was just shameful behavior and disrespectful. He sighed and rang his fingers.

          Zaeed just looked at him and kept his arms tight on his chest. His face sat still as a stone and it worried Thane far more than it should have. Would he be judged for his jealousy? Could Zaeed see his fears? The smile Thane’s face dropped but when that happened Zaeed smiled. And then laughed. Hardy and deep. It was so much like Shepard’s that it was almost bitter sweet. Thane’s face twitched to a smile in response and Zaeed laughed even harder.

          “That’s rich!” Zaeed howled and doubled over with in hysterics. It was like when she laughed earlier. The tension was falling from the room and between them. In all honestly though it was funny. Their jealousy was ridiculous and childish.  They were so close to the end yet two grown men were in a funk over the same thing.

          “I suppose it is, “rich”.” Thane didn’t completely get the idiom but from context he got the idea.

          Zaeed finally stopped laughing, letting it go from a full-blown cackle to a chuckle and then a long sigh. Thane watched him clean tears from his eye and shift in his seat to get comfortable, in a friendlier open position. Zaeed leaned forward and had almost a pleasant look, as pleasant as a man with a constant scowl could be.

          “I backed off after that fight.” Zaeed confessed. He ran his fingers through his sandy brown hair and looked down at the ground. There was that embarrassment again, all over his face. Context made the emotion clearer. “Looking at you two pissed me off. Thought it was just a fucking crush. Could still be. Not what I want though.” Zaeed sneered. It wasn’t directed toward Thane but it seemed inward. Like he was annoyed at the very concept of having those conflicting emotions and the inability to describe them. Thane understood though, far more than Zaeed could know.

          “Kat and I are friends. I like that. Don’t got many of them out there. I’d be a jack ass if I tried to mess that up with feelings and shit.” Zaeed leaned back with a groan. “But you two are friends too. I mean you fuck and all but your friends, right?” Zaeed looked to Thane for confirmation.

          Thane nodded though he wasn’t sure the difference. This may have been where he was having his problems in all actuality. For Drell, if someone had a strong bond with someone, they were connected had something deeper than their bodies. Their souls matched. Zaeed and Shepard’s souls messed well together. But so did his own and Shepard’s.

          Sex didn’t make a relationship different. Maybe it was all humans. Or just Zaeed that made that distinction.

          “Yeah. I got jealous she’d only want you. Not as a date, but a friend. Can’t have two best friends? So I back offed before she dropped me.” Zaeed said. “But the way you put it, she don’t feel the same.” A soft chuckle escaped from Zaeed, akin to the self-deprecating smile Thane wore before.

          “Far from it. I feared she only wanted you as well.” Thane added his irrational fears to Zaeeds, making them both look like fools for them. “I was doing the same without realizing, pulling away, being jealous. You two are so much alike, down to your laugh, it made me fearful of the future. I believed, once this battle was over, and we weren’t in danger of Collectors, she wouldn’t want a dying man.” The guilt of his worries felt lighter on his chest.

          Zaeed laughed, shaking his head at Thane’s statement. “As if any of us are good at the whole long term thing.”

          “You might be right.” Thane replied with his own laugh.

          “You’re goddam right I’m right.” Zaeed barked. “I got shot in the fucking head. Shoulda been dead. If we get out of this Collector mess alive I’m going after the bastard that tried to kill me again. Shepard _actually_ fucking died. Came back and has had a foot in the grave since. You, you’re the only one that knows when your time is up out of the three. She don’t care if you’re dying. We all are. You’re a good man, that’s why she’s with you.”  

          “We are both old fools it seems.” Thane smiled.

          “Speak for yourself.” Zaeed returned his smile with a smirk and leaned back in his chair. He wasn’t disagreeing, Thane realized. Just being cheeky.  

          “We both thought she’d be happier with the other. I see that as foolish.” Thane listened to Zaeed’s laughter again. The fact that the rest of the crew had cleared out was a small miracle they could be grateful for. No one could see how childish and short sighted they’d been.

          “I am surprised you were willing to speak with me about this, Massani.” Thane continued. “You being so open about your feelings does not seem like you.”

          “I ain’t all guns and curses.” Zaeed said, offended at Thane’s implications. “Besides, Shepard told me to talk to Kelly. Been doing what she asked. It…” Zaeed paused. “It helps. Makes shit easier to talk about. I ain’t the same fella I was when I joined that’s for certain.”

          “I’ve spoken with her before. She’s knowledgeable. The way humans and Drell think may be too different though for it to do me any good.” Thane reached over to his cup, taking a sip.

          “Bullshit. We both wouldn’t be sitting here like fucking jack asses if we were that different.” The grin on Zaeed’s face made it clear the comment was only good fun. Just in case Thane found it offensive. He didn’t. It was very true.

          Thane couldn’t help but be impressed with Zaeed’s many insights. Not what they were, just the fact they came from Zaeed. The mercenary just seemed like a man who only cared about how quickly a job could be done, regardless of the body count. Maybe that was how Zaeed liked it? Keeping people at arms distance. This was a complexity he hadn’t seen. Though to be fair, he hadn’t bothered to look for it.

He was still getting use to connecting with others once again so he shouldn’t have been surprised. The rest of the crew were fine people on their own. They had colorful personalities and why Shepard was attached to them so it made sense. She was just the only one he’d connected with since he allowed his body to sleep for all those years.          

          Since his wife’s passing he was simply a dead man walking. It was selfishness that made him ignore the fact that Shepard had other people that connected with her. Other people, like himself, who weren’t connected with others but her.

          Zaeed was in the same boat as him it seemed. On the entire ship, Shepard was his only friend. But they neither of them were treating her like a friend. They were acting more like moths to the flame of her light. They did not know her before the Collectors attacked her ship but it was hard to believe she was any different before.

          She was his Siha. And, if he explained to Zaeed what that meant, she was probably Zaeed’s Siha as well. She just carried command in very muscle of her body and every word she spoke. And despite how they came to the mission when Shepard first recruited them, they were different people at that moment. For most people, there was not enough money in the galaxy to make them rush head first into suicide. The possibility of death, though, the perfect payment for a person who felt their options were limited. Death didn’t seem like the viable escape for whatever was troubling them anymore.

           Shepard just had a way of pulling out that fatalistic nature from people and replacing it with something more optimistic. It was just how she was. It was unfitting of the warrior angel they were coveting her so shamefully.

          She did not deserve that.

          “Well.” Thane stood, picking up his cup. “Shall we go?”

          “Go where?” Zaeed watched Thane put his cup in the mess sink and then return to his side.

          “To speak to Shepard. We should apologize before it gets too late.” Thane said and watched Zaeed frown deeply.

          “No.” Zaeed said too quickly.

          “Are you frightened?” Thane teased. “She’ll be mad with us but I don’t think it’ll be that bad.” Zaeed kept frowning but he stood.

          “We going in together?” Zaeed was staring forward, scrunching his nose in displeasure.

          “Might as well.” Thane said, “It’ll save time.” There would also be the chance for them all to talk, openly and honestly about the problems they were having. Thane was better with Zaeed for the moment but that was probably only because his anxiety had been reduced. There was always the chance that his fears of being replaced would crop up again in the future if they weren’t addressed. That was just the nature of anxiety.

          “Fine.” Zaeed grumbled and stepped forward first.

          The trip in the elevator was short and silent. Zaeed stared up at the ceiling and Thane watched the numbers change. When they finally reached the first floor and were in front of Shepard’s door they both remained still as statues.

          “You first.” Zaeed nodded to the door.

          “No by all means, you first.” Thane smiled, pressing his hands to his back gracefully and fearfully.

          Neither of them wanted to walk forward to set off the automatic doors. The warrior angel on the other side was both an angel but more importantly a warrior. The wrath waiting for them would be terrifying.

          “You’re her boyfriend. You go.” Zaeed said and Thane couldn’t come up with a better come back.

          So he did.

          He walked forward and found himself in Shepard’s room. She was engrossed in data pads scrawled across her table, her eyebrows furrowed in concentration. The sound of the door pulled her out of her own head and she looked up.

          “Thane.” She smiled at him but then her face went back to a confused frown. “Zaeed?”

          “There was something, I- we wanted to talk to you about.” Thane said far too fast but he was afraid he’d lose his nerve.

          “Is that true?” She looked at Zaeed who was standing behind Thane.

          “Yup.” Zaeed replied simply.

          “Okay. Then I guess sit down.” She gestured to the chairs in front of her. They both sat down quickly and then said nothing. They weren’t in their own company they couldn’t argue over who would talk first. So they sat in silence for a moment, staring at the table, the wall, twiddling their thumbs and trying to ignore the dark glare of Shepard.

          Again the ring of Zaeed’s statement went off in his ear that he was the her boyfriend, he should go first. For humans those distinctions in relationships seemed so important. He needed to respect that.

          But she spoke first.

          “I don’t have all day to sit and wait for you guys, you know.” Visibly annoyed but there was something else that he couldn’t place. Unlike Zaeed, Shepard didn’t wear her emotions on her sleeves for everyone to read. She covered them up with duty and purpose and smothered her needs and wants. But the name of the emotion was on his lips and on her face. Hurt? Pain? No, yes it was hurt.

          “I know. We are sorry.” Thane apologized. For wasting her time and hurting her.

          “For what.” There was heat in her voice, like there was fire bubbling behind her words. The hurt gone on her face and just replaced with anger and fury. “If you can’t tell me then what’s the point.”

          Part of Thane wondered if she already knew. If she was just waiting for them to lie so she could unleash the fury on them she felt they deserved.

          “I want to apologize for my behavior recently. I thought I was at peace with my death but I’ve been so fearful of it the closer we get to the Relay. I’ve thought of a many things, including my place at your side.” The wonders spilled out far too fast but now that they were flowing he couldn’t stop them if he wanted to. “I thought, that with my passing, you’d be happier with someone who could live with you, who could make you happier than I could”

          The frown was even deeper on Shepard’s face and Thane looked to Zaeed to give his half of the confession.

          “Sorry. For… being so cold to you. It was the same. I’m man enough to admit I got scared. Don’t got a lot of friends and I thought, well, you didn’t need me is all. Not when you had him.” Zaeed nodded toward Thane.

          The look in her face didn’t change and that was the most terrifying part. There confession had changed nothing, there was so much fury on her face.

          “But we’ve stopped, Siha.” Thane said quickly but she only stood up from the chair. She walked around her room for a moment, looking on different surfaces and in drawers for something. She returned, hovering over the table and slamming something down on it.

           It was a small coin, old earth currency.

          “Flip it.” The fire in her throat still present. There was so much anger, it was terrifying but they knew going in that she’d be furious.

          “Siha?” Thane questioned, not going for the coin. Neither did Zaeed.

          “Flip it.” She repeated, sliding the coin between the two.

          “What, and have you cross for going for your trap.” Zaeed mumbled under his breath and the anger radiating off her was lazar focused on Zaeed.

          “Fine. I’ll do it. Heads: Thane, Tails: Zaeed. Sound reasonable to you two?” Before they could object, she flipped the coin in her hand and slapped it down on the table. Heads. “Bye, Zaeed, Guess our friendship is over right?”

          Zaeed’s ears had turned a deep shade of red and Thane wasn’t sure if it was anger or embarrassment that brought the color to his skin.   

          “What, you think that’s unreasonable?” She glared at them. Thane nor Zaeed moved in inch. “Then who wants to volunteer making choices for me? Which one of you wants to decide who’s important to me and who’s not.” She was shouting now and they leaned back from her wrath.

          “We didn’t mean to hurt you,” Thane spoke first, trying to sooth the wrath of the warrior angel. “This was our own… insecurities.”

          “Yeah, well.” She turned from them, facing her fish and her voice much softer than before. “ _Your_ insecurities fucking hurt me. So, congratulations.”

          Thane stood from the seat, he wasn’t sure what to do but this was their fault, he had to make it right. Zaeed did the same but stayed a step behind.

          “I’m sorry.” Thane apologized again, and reached out to touch her shoulder.

          She pulled away and then he saw it. There were tears in her eyes. She wasn’t sobbing, just hot angry tears rolling down her face.

          “Did any of you ever think about me?” More tears flowed but her voice was terrifyingly steady.

          “Of course we have.” Zaeed answered, there wasn’t any anger in his voice so he wasn’t offended. No he was hurt, though really, he had no right to be.

          “No you didn’t!” She shouted. “All you cared about was your macho bullshit.”

          Zaeed opened his mouth to try and explain himself but he shut it quickly, there was nothing he could say. Thane watched him back off and run his hand across his neck.

          “I thought I’d done something to piss you off but come to find out you were just feeling so noble and self- loathing with some -‘I don’t deserve you’ bullshit.” The tears were flowing so hard and her cracked, “But you. I thought you’d understand more!” She weakly shoved Thane, not to hurt him he could tell, but just to make space.  She covered her face, her sobbing more pronounced.

          Both Thane and Zaeed stayed still, unable to understand what she needed. They’d hurt her, it was obvious, not it was a matter of making it better. But there was a fine line they weren’t sure if they were crossing. Where they trying to make her better to help her or were they doing so only to ease their own guilt. They had a lot to feel guilty about.

          “I care about you so much, Thane. I thought you understood that. I don’t care that you’re dying. I can’t- “ She coughed and chocked and regardless of their fear, Thane and Zaeed were at her side. Thane’s hand on her back, patting her gently and Zaeed just holding her arm for comfort. “I have so much on my plate, babysitting everyone on this ship, saving the galaxy, running around breaking my back for everyone but I try and make time for the both of you. You both are so fucking selfish.” There wasn’t anger in her voice anymore, just hurt. They broke her heart and Thane could hear it in every racked sobbed.

          They guided her to her bed silently. It was the only thing they could think to do. And it wasn’t like she put up much of a fight. She had cried all the energy out of body and they were able to lay her on her stomach.

          That was the worst thing.

          Thane sat on her left, stroking her back and Zaeed ran his fingers through her hair from her right. They’d expected to get yelled out. They expected her wrath and fury. But they didn’t expect this. They looked at each other over her head, trying to formulate a plan to fix what they’d done without words. They seemed to both have thought of the same thing, because they both looked down at her, laying down at either side of her.

          “Siha…” Thane tried to sooth her, pressing his face to her hair. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you like this. I’ve dedicated my life to removing bad from the universe, I never meant to bring it into your life. You brought so much good into my life and I was selfish and it was wrong.”

          Zaeed did the same, so close that Thane could feel Zaeed’s forehead on his own.

          “Yeah. Same. Truth be told I don’t get much to look forward to outside of this ship. Not many people I’d fight with, even fewer I’d fight for. Can hold’em all in one hand I figure.” He stroked her hair and she snickered. Thane was grateful for their connection. “Don’t give me an excuse to be an ass though. Him neither.”

          “He’s right, we had no excuse. If it makes you feel better, I’ll have to replay how terrible of a boyfriend I was, over and over again in perfect detail.” Thane patted her back and she replied with something muffled.

          “Yes?” Thane tried to listen as she repeated. Still muffled, still unintelligible.

          “Gonna have to life your head.” Zaeed suggested and she shook it instead..

          Thane and Zaeed looked at each other again, a plan formulated without words, and they rolled her over on her back.

          Her face was still wet, tears were still in her eyes but she was smiling.

          It was a start.

          “Care to repeat yourself?” Thane asked, now stroking her stomach. Zaeed still had fingers in her hair. Maybe it was a human thing? Did humans like getting their hair touched? Made sense, no other species had… hair.

          Thane moved his own hand into her hair and she let out a very long sigh. She blinked her eyes slowly and her breathing evened out, content in the moment of having two sets of fingers in her hair and scratching her scalp.

          “I hate you both so much.” She said softly but the anger and hurt in her voice was gone. She just seemed tired, like that had all been sitting on her chest.

          “I’m sure we deserve it.” Thane kissed her forehead.

          “You absolutely do.” She laid her hands on her stomach, eyes closed and her head jostling back and forth from their hands on her hair.

          “Love to hate right?” Zaeed joked and she shook her head dramatically.

          “No I hate you both. When we get through the Omega 4-Relay I’m going to throw you both out the air lock.” She said and both Thane and Zaeed laughed. “Let the fucking black holes have you.”

          “Who’ll snipe enemies for you then?” Thane asked.

          “Garrus.” She replied quickly.

          “Who the fuck could replace me then?” Zaeed, figuring his particular brand of scorch and burn was harder to replaced.

          “Merc with a big ass face scar? Garrus. I’m just going to get like 10 more Garruses.”

          “You’ll have to deal with 10 Turians with rods up their asses.” Zaeed replied.

          “Better than the two of you with your heads up your asses.” She snorted.

          “A lovely visual.” Thane smiled at her, glad she was joking again. She was absolutely still upset but it was working through now that it was all in the open.

          “Probably not inaccurate, though.” Zaeed sneered.

          They laid there for almost two hours. A mix of chatting and just lying in silence. When they talked, it was a bit of nothing but a few times just Thane and Zaeed apologizing, just to make sure. But the silent moments were the loudest.

          Thane kissed the palm of her hands many times. Mostly because kissing her lips would make her see spots before her eyes but also because she let out the softest sighs each time he did so. During the time, he watched Zaeed stroke her sides, his face pressed to her hair with his eyes shut. He was so content in being near to her again. Aside from the pain Thane felt from hurting Shepard, there was shame in his heart for wanting to deny Zaeed this moment. Thane kissed her cheek and let his head press against Zaeed’s again. Zaeed didn’t move and Thane could truly relax for a while.

 

 

          “Alright.” Zaeed finally broke the silence between them, lifting himself from the bed. “I should go.”

          “That’s my line.” Shepard mumbled through relaxed lips. She looked as if given a few more moments she’d have fall asleep for sure.

          “Well I can’t say ‘I should let you go.’ Ain’t my room, now is it?” Zaeed chuckled and earned a few from Thane and Shepard. He walked to the door but stopped short when it opened.

          “We good?” He asked back and Shepard lifted her head. Thane watched her contemplate her answer and then she nod.

          “We’re good.” She said. “Don’t ever do something like that again.” She laid her head back on the bed and Zaeed left, leaving Thane and Shepard alone.

          “Siha…I-“ Thane stopped, only because Shepard had climbed on his lap, pressing her fingers to his lip.

          “Stop apologizing. We’re good too.” She said, a hard exhale came from her nose. “Same goes for you too, though. Don’t ever think I’m going to replace you.” She moved her finger and he kissed the tip gently.

          “Okay. I won’t forget it.” He replied playfully. She punched him gently on the arm when she realized the joke and he smiled wider.

          “I’m serious. I have too much to worry about now without wondering if I’m splitting my time fairly. You should know that.” 

          He did know that. It was one of those thing his mind understood in theory but with the Collector base getting closer, rational thought went out the window.

          It was like an alarm kept going off in his head.

          Loud and harsh and unending.

          You’re dying.

_You’re dying._

**_You’re dying._ **

          It wasn’t like he didn’t already know. The alarm had long been set. But every time he pressed snooze, instead of a moment of reprieve to just meet death with a clear head, the alarm immediately went back to screaming. And everything he did to silence the reminder, only made the alarm sound louder.

          It wore down on his mind. And on his body. Not just the parts that were dying. But he hadn’t eaten a thing before the mission except drank a single cup of tea. His stomach was too unsettled. He was too aware of the fact his finger-tips and toes were numb. Normally he didn’t notice, he could ignore it. Even now though, when he put his hands on her sides, he could only feel her skin on his palms.

          She pressed her hand to his chest and took him out of his thoughts.

           It seemed this was an unconscious thing she’d done, because she tried to move her hands, probably not wanting to offend him with reminders of his illness. It was sweet of her. He placed his hand over hers and pressed it against his chest firmly.  

          “We’re opposites Siha. The only commitments I have are to my son and to you. I can be selfish with the time I have left. In my selfishness, I did not fully realize your time, though extended, is spoken for.”

          She nodded in agreement with his words, running her fingers over the texture of his scales on his chest.

          “Every moment I can spend with you, it’s important to me. Especially after everything that’s happened to me.” She leaned forward, pressing her nose against his, their lips hovering over each other’s. Almost a kiss.  

          “I’m sorry.” He apologized again, pressing his lips to hers gently, so many emotions bubbling in his stomach. But the main one was fear. Like black oil over the oceans of the afterlife he should have been hoping for. He was a devote man but even still, the only placed he wanted to be was with her.

          “I said stop.” Shepard said, a bit of annoyance in her voice.

          “Not for that. For being so afraid.” Tears were sliding down his face and on to the pillow. She cleaned them gently and he just started talking. Blubbering on about his fears, all of them. Not just the ones that involved her but of the universe without him, about his son, about the pit in his stomach that wouldn’t go away.

          “It’s okay to be scared, you know.” She kissed his lips gently and he shut his eyes to savor their warmth. Drell were warm blooded sure but humans were positively on fire compared to them.

          “Is it?” His voice was softer than he intended. He’d meant to hide the weakness of his fear but it all came out. There was little sense in hiding it anymore. Not around her. And not so close to the end. Still, it didn’t feel good to be so raw and honest with one’s fears.

          “It is.” She replied with a laugh. He couldn’t help but laugh with her. That was her gift. “Death is scary. It’s something you only do once, after all.”

          “You’re one to talk, Siha.” Thane joked. The tears had stopped. It was hard to be fearful and laugh at the same time. She took his mind off his worries for a moment as well. His intrusive thoughts were getting harder to manage and he was so grateful for her. This would be a memory he could look back on fondly.

          “True. But that wasn’t my fault. And I’m still terrified of death.” She lowered her body down on to his, letting her face press up against his neck. She’d told him the story of the stars. How the stole her breath and her thoughts when she stared at them too long. It was one of the reasons she sat in front of him when they spoke in the life support room instead of at his side. “I’m scared now.” She confessed.

          “Is there anything I can do?” He asked and she lifted her head to meet his gaze. She’d done so much for him, so much so that he felt like he’d taken her for granted at that point. Anything to make it balanced he’d do.

           “Tell me about what you want after we win this.” She said gently and he soothed her back with gentle strokes of his palm.

          “I want to be with my son.” He confused first. That had always been the plan. Sort of. The plan at first was to simply reconnect and try and do better, but Shepard had jump started that plan by leaps and bounds.

          “Go to an amusement park?” She said with a chuckle and he just shook his head.

          “No. Too many people. But I do want to see a desert.” He said.

          “You’ve told me.” She held him tighter.

          “I know. Perfect memory remember?” He laughed though he was more sure she’d forgotten. Not because she didn’t care but because he wasn’t sure the limits on human memory. They seemed to do things without any care for consequences or the guides of past actions.

          “Is that a not so subtle way of asking me to come with?” She asked.

          “It might be. Though I hate to give those wishes too much power by speaking them aloud, considering.” He trailed off, When this fight was over, he could hang his hat up and rest. For her, there was another battle, another fight, another war that she’d fly head first into. One that his body would not allow him to follow, no matter how much his soul wished to.

          “I get that.” Her voice was solemn, holding him tighter. Shepard had long since accepted that fate it seemed but it didn’t seem fair. For either of them. The only way they could rest was to die. And for her, even death did not grant her rest since her rest was disturbed. Who’s to say if she died again, someone would drag her back from the ocean’s embrace. 

          “What do you want?” Thane asked. She didn’t answer quickly like he did. This made him realize that this wasn’t a question she was asked often. As a soldier, it was never what she wanted. It was the same for him in the service of the Hanar. They were similar in that her reasons were that she was escaping a dying planet of crime and poverty. But she didn’t feel the same life loyalty to the military as his kind did to the Hanar. Hers was prison labor that never seemed to end.

           Even now, outside of her Alliance, she still thought like a solider. Like a pawn on someone else’s board.

          “Not to get court marshalled.” She spoke in a sarcastic grunt. Thane laughed and poked her sides.

          “Siha.” The prodded, poking more until she laughed. Ticklish? He’d have to use that for later.

          “Fine. Fine. Stop.” She laughed, lifting her body, her pale blond hair falling into her face. “Perfect world, Utopia scenario?”

          “Sure, if that works for you.” Thane nodded.

          “Perfect world: Get out of the military for one.” She pushed her hair from her face and let out a long sigh. “Don’t even care if it’s dishonorable at this point.”

          “The galaxy would riot.” Thane laughed, she did the same.

          “Probably. I’m a goddamn hero.” She smiled and the reminders of Zaeed didn’t sting this time.

          “Should I buy you a cape as a gift next time we’re on port?” Thane teased.

          “Yes. Gold to match my armor.” The color looked so good against her brown skin. He’d buy her other things of gold when they survived this. She’d deserve it if they survived.

          “I’ll put it on my list.” He smiled. “What else do you want?”

          “A farm.” She said, this time faster.

          “An actual farm?” That was a surprise and he was hardly every surprised.

          “An actual farm. With horses and chickens and sheep.” She smiled. “Some personal veggies. Maybe rice if I planned on selling to farmers markets. Depends on where I settle down.”

          “You understand…” He paused, trying to keep a laugh from sputtering out. “That would make you an actual Shephard?” He laughed and the blank look of realization on her face made him laugh even harder.  

          “You know what? I guess it does.” She looked down at him and grinned. “Better than being the damn Shephard of the Universe. I’d rather sheer sheep for fucking ever.”

          “And collect eggs too?” Thane couldn’t help but be enamored with her post military life dream. Even though it was a perfect world scenario, he hoped beyond measure she could make it happen.

          “So many eggs. I could sell those too I guess.”

          “You’d have to have a lot of land for all that.” He tried to help her form her fantasy.

          “Right? Some place with a big red barn, lots of land so I can have different little houses for guests.” She pressed her hand against his cheek, taking care of the spikes. They weren’t sharp but they didn’t feel good to be manipulated.

          “So I’m invited to this perfect world scenario?” He reached up and kissed his palm.

          “Of course you are. My main house, the one that’s going to be on a big hill overlooking a lake where my cows are getting a nice drink from, is going have a big bed we’ll share.” She shut her eyes and he ran his hands down her arms. There was an uncharacteristic lack of tension in her muscles.

          Talking about her future, even on a hypothetical, was helped.

          “My, you have this all thought out.” He held her arms a bit tighter and then rolled her own her back gently. “Tell me, have you thought about the bed.”

          “Oh yes.” She held the vowels for each word a little longer than necessary, running her finger tips up his fore arms. “I was thinking blue bedding.”

          “Dark blue or light?”

          “Light blue. A sky blue. With white fur blankets and maybe a knitted blanket too. I figured, even though they are white, they’d have enough texture to match the walls. White wood, a little old looking but that aesthetic.”

          “Yes but the bed.” Thane laughed, leaning down to give her a kiss on the lips. It was her fantasy. She could talk about any part of it she wanted really. But he couldn’t help himself. The idea of a bed they’d be sharing was enticing.

          “Right bed.” She smiled, kissing him back. “A nice hard bed, cotton sheets. Perfect world scenario it’d be a little warm on the surface because the sun. Nice warm sunlight from the day light would be pouring in.”

          He kissed her more between words, letting his tongue dip and taste her lips.

          She moaned. And he could almost feel the sun on his back. Or maybe it was the heat churning between his legs.

          “Lost track of your thoughts?” He chuckled when he realized she’d stopped talking. “I’ll lose more than that if you keep going like that.” She smiled back up at him and he was tempted to take her up on that offer.

          “Keep talking about your fantasy bed.” He said sternly, but kissed again.

          “Fine. Spoil sport.” She smirked, and shut her eyes again. “The sheets would always be crisp and cool. They’d smell like the ocean. Maybe it’s the soap I use. I don’t know, but I know that every time I climb into bed after a long day shepherding sheep, it smells like heaven.”

          He was enjoying her day dream, probably more so than her. He’d never researched how vivid human daydreams got. For him, he could smell the ocean, and for once that thought didn’t frighten him. It was comforting because it was comforting to her.

          Thane moved his kisses down the side of her jaw to her neck. And she responded wonderfully. Short gasps and moans escaped her parted wet lips that made his crave more. Also, a quick – “Fuck” that made his insides clench.

          “You’re there.” She swallowed to focus on her words again. “We’d be lying next to each other. The sun just woke us up but we decide to take a lazy day. I hired some people to help so it’s okay.”

          “I thought the houses were for quests?” Thane laughed just above the skin of her neck and watched the skin rise into goose pimples.

          “Changed my mind.” She chuckled. “It’s my fantasy. Besides, if I don’t have hired help, how would we take the day to have lazy sex.”

          He knew the fantasy would go there.

          He’d been hoping for it.

          Still, it didn’t stop him from biting his biting his bottom lip in intrigue.

          “Do tell.” He still wanted to hear more on her fantasy but he could no longer beat around the bush. His hands moved up her shirt, lifting the hem just enough to expose her breasts.  

          “I thought we weren’t going there.” Shepard locking eyes with him and a mischievous smile forming across her beautiful full lips.  

          “I can change my mind as well.” Thane cupped her breasts, thumbing the nipples gently. “Keep going. I’d like to hear more.”

          “We- We’re lying in bed, our legs tangled up, naked.” Shepard was trying her best to be seductive but her voice kept hitching and falling.  “You kissing my neck, just like this and- shit.” She moaned softly, unable to continue.

          “What else am I doing?” Thane pressed his lips to her ear, “Do you want me to help with your fantasy, fill in some blanks?”

          She nodded slowly, another wicked smile on her face.

          “After I kiss your neck, I move lower and kiss your chest. Slowly, it’s a lazy day after all, why rush. Plus, I want to savor the feel of your skin on my lips.” Thane mimicked the fantasy with his hands, running his thumb over her chest slowly.

          In response Shepard rolled her hips under his body, breathing harder and faster.

          “Then I take your nipples in my mouth, lick them, suck them. Get them wet and hard.” He squeezed her nipple again and she bucks and hisses under his touch. “The window is wide open, right?” He asked.

          “Yeah, I like the fresh air.” She managed to say through shortened breath.

          “Shame, you’d have to be so quiet though.” He chuckled and let his hand wander lower to the waist line of her sweats. “You wouldn’t want the hired hands to hear me working you over.” Though the fantasy was slow, he wasted no time into letting her fingers slide between her lips, already wet and waiting.

          “Damn shame. Wouldn’t want to spook the horses either.” She lifted her hips to meet fingers, pushing them up against her clit. He paused his own thoughts, and enjoyed the way she grinded against him, the soft and wet flesh felt so damn good.

          Fuck. They were fantasy playing, right?

          A cabin?

          No farm.

          Something about a bed.

          Honestly though, who truly cared.

          “Are you tired of fantasy play?” He asked, rolling his finger tip in small circles across her clit.

          “Yep.” She said with urgency.

          “Good.” He removed his hand but only to yank her pants down and off. He threw them off the bed on to the floor and returned his hand back to where it belonged.

          She looked stunning there, half naked, shirt lifted over her breasts and her mouth parted wide and panting. Oh, this would be a memory he’d savor.

          But first.

          Thane grabbed her thighs, and spread them apart gently, her dark black sleek hair parting with a lovely wet trail. One he couldn’t wait to get his mouth on.

          “Dam.” She said quickly.

          “Dam?” He asked, confused.

          “Dental dam.” She answered and pointed to her dresser.

          Right. Yes Right. If kissing her would cause hallucinations, oral sex would only do bad things to her mind.

          “Yes.” He got up and dug through her dresser for the box. A crude little tongue graphic on the branding. That was probably it. “You just have this?” He teased.

          “I read the pamphlets Mordin sent.” She shrugged playfully, sitting up on her elbows. Thane fiddled with the metalish corners of the packet and watched her carefully. Her painted finger tips randown her stomach and between her legs. She was so wet and her fingers were making a heavenly smacking sound.

His first few attempts opening the dental dam ended with him missing the corner by miles.

          He found his focus and open the packet finally. Pale blue with silly asari emoji faces all over it. Not the most likely thing find in a military commander’s dresser but if it was from Mordin, so it made sense.

          And it would do the job. One he would happily dive into.

          He crawled back on to bed and laid it carefully down on her crotch. He took extra care to smooth it down and let it form over every groove and dip of her pussy. A marvel in science that it didn’t slip and slide around with how wet she was.

          “You just going to stare?” She wiggled her hips impatiently and he raised a brow at her. Her cheekiness was amusing and he did smile but he was far too turned on for banter. Between the growing ache behind his scaled slit that was probably making a mess of his underwear, and the unbearable need to press his lips to her clit, he wasn’t in the mood for teasing.  

          Thane held her legs open with firm hands and went down.  

          There wasn’t the taste satisfaction he was hoping for but it still felt good. His lips incased the soft flesh, and he pressed his tongue against it, swirling it and rolling it until she bucked her hip against his face.

          “Oh just like that.” Shepard cooed under her breath and her hands wondered to the crown of his head. Probably looking for hair to grab on to but – oh no? It wasn’t a hard force but she was definitely pushing down on the back of his head, grinding her clit against his tongue.

          Not that he didn’t like the enthusiasm, he might have even let out a few deep moans as his brain turned to putty for a split second. But she wasn’t calling the shots.

          Without breaking contact, or suction, he reached up and grabbed her wrists. He peeled her hands away and pinned them to the sides of her hips.

          “Bastard.” She cursed.

          He responded by sucking harder on her clit, making an obscene noise that that made her cry out in pleasure.

          “Oh fuck.” She cursed this time.

          Much better.

          He alternated between long flat tongue licks and hard suction, and tried to decide what he reaction liked more. When he licked, she begged for more, she squeezed his hands and grinded her hips to get the most friction out of his tongue. Sometimes he pulled back to deny her.

          When he gave more and sucked on her clit until it was engorged at filled his mouth, she howled, and screamed and shouted affirmations that he was right on target. Her legs shook wildly, her thighs clasped tight around his head. Every now and again he’d have to let her hand go and spread them apart again.

          Either reaction was fantastic.

          He couldn’t get enough of the noises she was making. Even through the latex dam the wonderful musky smell of her pussy made him drunk. If not for the health risks he would have thrown the dam away and truly devoured her. Maybe one day medical science would catch up to his needs.

          Even with limitations he did his best and the way she bucked and moaned was enough. He needed to come up for air but that suffocation was welcome. He blessed the thickness of the cabin’s walls and the distance from the rest of the crew. There was no way the crew would let their commander live down their teasing if they could hear how undone she was. 

          “Than-thane, fuck.” She moaned his name deep in her stomach, her voice raspy from screaming. “I’m going to cum.”

          Those words snapped something in him.

          They dug in deep into a place that wanted him unraveled. His insides ached to be filled and he couldn’t help himself, he let go of one of her hands and unbuttoned his pants sloppily and pushed his fingers inside himself. 

          _Fuck fuck oh fuck.  
_

He groaned loudly, fingering his wet opening while he kept licking and sucking on her. His jaw actually started to hurt and lock up but he didn’t dare stop. Not when she was so close.

          Shepard’s free hand returned the back of his head again and ground her clit hard enough to his tongue that the back of it dug into his bottom teeth.

          And even with his numb finger-tips, the hand that still held hers hurt from her grabbing it so tightly.

          Just a little more. He groan, knuckle deep inside himself.

          “Oh fuck!” She explained outward while her body turned inward. Her body lifted off the bed and it tightened to a ball as she shook.

She just came, and kept cumming.

          Mainly because he kept sucking, his eyes shut tight and his brows furrowed in concentration. He wanted to keep pushing her to the limit. Until there was nothing, no tight muscles or shaking limbs. Just a very low laugh and sigh of satisfaction from her.

          He retrieved his fingers from himself, his palm absolutely soaking wet, and removed the dam with his clean hand.

Mental note: Get another one later as the night progressed.

          “Need I ask if that felt good?” Thane asked, sitting up from the bed to get a towel for his hand.

          “Only if you want to show off.” She answered, he could feel her eyes on him.

          “Making sure a lover is satisfied if far from showing off.” He returned quickly with the towel, cleaning his hand as he stood on the side of the bed. He had half a mind to return it to the bathroom but he looked down at her and saw the wetness coating her inner thighs now that the damn was gone. The stir inside him, that hadn’t really gone anywhere, set his blood on fire.

          He’d need that towel later too. He dropped it absently on the side table for easy access.

          “True. Do you want to keep going?” Shepard righted herself in bed until she was propped on her knees.

          Concerns for his health.

          Well-meaning but unnecessary.

          “I’m fine. More than fine.” He leaned down and kissed her greedily, so hard that he could feel their teeth clash. His body was giving out, sure, but he had so much more life in him. So much more he wanted to give to her.  

          “Good to know.” She parted the kiss breathlessly, running her hands down the panels of his shirt. Despite her fighting style, she was far dexterous with her fingers than he’d ever given her credit for. Complex snaps and buckles were easy for her and she made short work of the shirt which became a puddle of fabric on the floor.  

          He followed her lead, removing the rest of her clothing. Just a shirt that needed hoisting over her head that he’d balled up around her neck earlier.

          “Question?” He thought of something he hadn’t earlier when her hands went to his pants. She already had them around his hips when he spoke.

          “I might have an answer.” Her voice cheeky but she stilled her hands.

          “Do you have gloves?” He asked, he hadn’t seen them in the drawer but to be honest, he wasn’t looking.

          She looked around her room, as if trying to visualize where gloves would be.

          “Yes.” She answered. “First aid kit, next to my desk.” She pointed and he went to retrieve them.

          Did other couples have this much trouble? Maybe they were more prepared for all the different covers and protections so it didn’t halt sex in annoying ways. Next time it would all be in on place, in a little kit if Mordin caught wind, he thought. He took out a latex glove and returned to the bed.

          “Here.” Thane handed her the glove and she looked at it for a moment.

          “What do I need this for?” She asked but put it on still, snapping it playfully like a surgeon.

          “I thought you read the pamplets Mordin sent?” He peeled out of his pants the rest of the way, kicking them to the side and climbing back into bed.

          They were finally naked, and it was odd, he’d always thought humans lacked color. No, they came in many colors, just only one each he thought. But looking closer at Shepard’s body he realized her skin came in many subtle shades and even small marks. Her knees and elbows were a darker shade of brown, more like warm earth. Small moles across her stomach, like someone spilled droplets of ink across her body. Everywhere he looked, a different color, a different pattern, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

          “Thane what do I need this for?” Shepard asked with a laugh, snapping her fingers in front of his face.

          “You can’t touch my body fluids. Not long at least.” He smiled, laying down at her side and propping himself on one hip. She settled on her side as well.

 At first he thought she was trying to be seductive, running her gloved hand across his chest and up his neck. But then she hovered her index finger near his mouth and he cackled, pushing her hand from his face.

          “Siha, why?” He laughed so hard there were tears in his eyes.

          “You’re going to have to tell me what you want, then.” She said, and there was no play in her voice. Just dark seduction that dried up the laughter quickly.     

          He took her wrist and guided her hand lower down his body. First over his stomach, his muscles tightened under the touch, and then to his crotch. Normally his slit was closed tight but already it was open wide, exposed and engorged black flesh ready and waiting for her.

          “I want you to fuck me.” Thane leaned it, pressing his lips to her ears.

          “With my hands? Because I have some pretty interesting toys in my dresser.” She whispered back.

          Note to self: Find the toys later.

          “No, I want you right now.” He said, and moved her hand down lower into her finger tips were just at his openings.

          “Right now.” She wiggled her hands free and took over control of her movements. “Right here?” She questioned playfully, seeming to find the right hole amongst the dark flesh. She _had_ read the pamphlets.

          “Yes.” He said and it almost came as a prayer. “Please.” He lifted his leg and wrapped it around her thigh to give her better access. And so that when she finally put fingers the angle would feel better.

          “You’re already so wet.” She rested her forehead against his and sliding her fingers between his swollen labia.

          “You did this to me, Siha.” He moaned, rolled his hips forward to get more of her touch. Maybe to slip a finger inside. He kept feeling his inside clench, they ached to be filled.

          “All I did was cum on your tongue.” She whispered and the memory of that made him moan out loud. “You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

          Two fingers slipped inside his wet opening and he instinctively clasped around them, trying to get the most friction out of them despite how slick he was.

          “You really want me to fuck you.” She teased, pushing up to the knuckle, probing and pressing for his g-spot.

          He couldn’t answer, shutting his eyes tightly and rolling his hips, trying to help her find it. She was so close to it, just a little. Just a little higher.

          Oh.

          Oh yes!

          He gasped loudly when she found it. It wasn’t like hers, no, it was a hardened patch inside his soft walls, more like a button. A button that if she just kept pressing. Just kept fucking with her fantastic fingers he’d cum at any moment.

          “There we are.” Her voice was lower, darker and made the muscles in his body tighten.

          He grabbed her shoulder with one hard, and bite down on his own knuckle with the other, doing his best to match pace with her nimble fingers. Her “in”, his “down”, maximizing each thrust to send him over the edge.

          “Faster.” He gasped, unsure where the words came from. He couldn’t handle faster. His joints, his muscles, every good nerve in his body was already tingling. He could barely open his eyes to look at her. He tried. All he saw was a blurry mess of blond hair and the wicked smile of his angel.  

          There was no way he’d handle faster. But he begged for it.

          Instead she stopped, abruptly, enough to make him groan in protest. She pulled her fingers out and felt suddenly empty without her.

          “What’s wrong?” He asked impatiently, opening his eyes to try and focus.

          “One: Hand cramp.” She laughed, crawling out of bed quickly and going to her dresser drawer. “Two: I really want to fuck you. Properly.”

          He watched her dig through the drawer but to be honest his mind wouldn’t process what she was doing. All he could think of was that she needed to hurry. He’d been so close to climax and every spare thought in his mind was completion. He didn’t care the toy she would pick. Didn’t care the color. Did care the size. If she asked him to pick, it would be the first one he could get his hands on. He just wanted to cum.

          Still she looked so eager and excited.

          She’d returned with a few just as he thought. He didn’t want to be rude and say he didn’t care so he tried to bring his brain back from selfish need.

          He looked at them as best he could.

          “Which one?” She smiled brightly with her whole face, her wrinkles taking familiar paths and framed her smile like a painting. That was enough to gain his attention. His heart fluttered like a bird when she smiled.

          Okay focus.

          “Hmm. You do have a collection.” He replied, looking over each one.

Several human phalli, different shapes, different sizes, some had beads? Then a few turian one he figured, he’d never had the pleasure but from the plating it looked like a turian. This one look…

          “Krogan, really?” He asked with a smiled on his face, pointing out the short but obscenely wide toy.

          “I like the spikes.” She grinned.

          “They do add something interesting.” He went back to looking at the bouquet of dicks she brought.

          “You’ve been with a Krogan?” She asked and if Drell could blush he’d turn several shades of purple.

          “Once.” He answered.

          “And?” She asked, curious but to be fair, he’d have been too.

          “I thought he was going to break my body in half.” He confessed. It was not an unpleasant experience though. “I was young, and I came more times than I could count, though it was a shame I had to kill him later.”

          “You’ve lived an interesting life.” She laughed loudly and he laughed as well. It was true.  And it was comforting to hear.

          “I’ll tell you stories another time.” He said, he didn’t want to think about his past sexual encounters. He wanted to focus on the present. And if he had to pick he had to concentrate.

          “Want me to pick?” She asked, sitting down beside him.  “I can pick my favorite.” An enticing offer.

          “You didn’t get edged by your cruel girlfriend, don’t get impatient with me.” He teased and finally settled on one he liked.

          A strapless strap-on. A bulbous end for the user and a smooth white silicone surface for the receiver. It was easy to tell it was made for humans since it had a ridge to stimulate their external clitorises but since she was wearing it, it wouldn’t be a problem.

          “Oh!” Shepard exclaimed, as if she hadn’t expected him to pick that. “Let me get a condom.” She jumped off the bed quickly to find a condom to fit that particular toy. Modern science had advanced enough to make the options for condoms more plentiful. Small battles. 

           He watched her from the bed, propped on his elbows. She had his back turned to him so he couldn’t see the whole insertion process. For a moment, he was curious with how the toy worked in theory but that was a thought process for another time. Not one he was in the mode to go down when there were more important things that needed his focus.

          When Shepard finally turned around, a wide grin spread across his face and his heart beat so fast he couldn’t hear himself think.

          “Ready?” She asked, her hand wandering down to the delicate but impressive toy positioned between her legs. The white contrasting phenomenally against her skin.

An all white dress. And gold accessories. When they survived their mission, and got to port he’d get her that outfit. One he’d immediately hick up and fuck her the dressing room.

          “Yes.” He answered and she crawled into bed with him, hovering over his body carefully. The beautiful toy rubbed against his stomach and he couldn’t help but lifted his hips up.

          He needed it.

          And her.

          She was taking too long.

          “Say you want me.” Shepard cooed, leaning down to kiss his lips but stopping short. He could feel her breathe on his face.

          “I want you.” He answered and reached for her hips to guide them lower. Too far away.

          “You want me to fuck you?” She asked a question with an obvious answer. He scooted up further in bed to align them better.

          “Yes.” He answered impatiently, he’d never done anything with impatience. But Shepard brought that out of him.

          “Do you-“

          “Please stop teasing me, Siha.” He interrupted, pressing the back of his head deep into the mattress in frustration. “It’s cruel.”

          “What if I like being cruel?” She asked, but sat up, positioning herself between his legs carefully. Her hands grabbed his hips and pulled him into her lap. It was right there; he could feel the tip of the toy teasing his opening.

          “I watched you kick a man off a building before we first met, that does make sense.” He joked and Shepard cackled once again. There couldn’t have been that many ways to fall in love with someone’s laugh but she kept finding new ways for him.

          “Stop making me laugh, I’m trying to be sexy.” She thrusted her hips forward, the tip penetrating him and all he saw as white.

          “You’re sexiest when you laugh.” His held her hips tighter, and pulled her in deeper, the entire length toy was engulfed in his hot wet walls.

          Again, he clenched around it. Far bigger than her fingers though, it had no give and he could only just barely squeeze it. He didn’t need to of course. It filled him perfectly and pressed exactly where it needed to.

          He lifted his hands from her hip, only to keep from digging his nails into her comparatively thinner skin and instead wrapped his arms around her neck, pulling as close as she would allow.

          “Thane.” Shepard spoke his name so gently that he was sure his heart had turned to wax and was oozing through his body.

          “Yes.” He answered, his body felt so warm, so right. It had been so long since his soul and his body were connected so thoroughly and he was on the verge of tears again.

          “Do you still think I don’t want to be with you?” She asked, kissing him gently on the forehead.

          “No.” His answer was firm. He’d almost forgotten why he’d come to her room in the first place. Of course, it was actually impossible for that but it was just figure of speech. One to show that so many other things had happened to take his mind of his earlier troubles.

          He didn’t care about Zaeed.

          His death wasn’t screaming its alarm at him.         

          The mission wasn’t causing him anxiety.

          As far as he was concerned in that moment, nothing but the black expanse of space existed outside of her bedroom.

          All he wanted to do was be with her. And have her inside him. Or be inside her. Whatever. As long as their legs were in twined, and they were gasping and begging for their next release.

          “No Siha, forgive me for ever doubting you.” He repeated his apology as she moved her hips back. And out. And then back in again.

          He felt every thrust in every muscle of his body. And if wasn’t sure if ecstasy or illness was stealing the oxygen from his lungs and making his mind a clouded mess.

          Thane found himself begging for more again. More speed, more power. Just more. And she was more than happy to give him everything he asked.

          He rewarded her with loud, lewd noises. So unbecoming of the normally cool assassin. But she was doing a job in rolling her hips just right, in pressing just the right spots, in fucking him completely into the mattress.

          And he wasn’t sure when she pulled away and his knees were bent back to level with his head but he sure did feel it.

          “Siha!” He exclaimed, grabbing at the sheets with abandon. He had to grab on to something. Anything to keep his body grounded to the bed. Because his soul and mind were elsewhere. Someplace dark with white flashing stars before his eyes and the playful laughs of Shepard. She’d completely undone him and she was enjoying it.

          “No, my real name.” She teased, giving his rear end a rough spank.

          “Aah!” His first reply was a yelp. Spanking wasn’t a thing he’d indulged in before. But he for sure likeed it in that context. Another thing to file away.

          “Katyayani.” His voice, which was normally raspy anyway, was might have well just been rocks in a blender. Hopefully he’d have a voice for the mission later on.

          “Again.” She said, holding on tightly to the back of his knees as she bucked forward.

          “Katyayani.” He repeated. Of all the things that were beautiful about her, she had the most beautiful name. One that she kept secret she’d told him once. One that she only shared with people she trusted. A name from a different time that was more precious than all the credit in the universe.

          “Again.” She repeated, but this time in a shaky whisper. She had to lean in close, locking his legs in place with her forearms.

Lucky for him he was an assassin. Or else he’d be in pain the way she bent his body like a pretzel. In the same breath though, he wasn’t sure if he was body was hurting. Hormones were flooding his system and he wasn’t sure which way was up.  

          He repeated her name again. Many times, as many times as she asked. He kissed her ear and cheek and chin and any place he could reach, the salty sweat on her skin coating his lips.        

          “Cum for me…” She ordered gently and it sent him over the edge immediately.

          His sight turned to only bright white searing light and it felt like something exploded throughout his body. From his g-spot and outward to even his numb extremities. He grabbed her tightly with his legs and arms and cried out in pleasure.

          Even if he wanted to ride it out gently, Shepard wasn’t a gentle woman. She kept pumping, despite how tightly he clasped around toy, probably to reach her own climax. Didn’t matter why, all that mattered was that he felt like she was trying to knock his soul out of his body.

          “Siha, enough.” He gasps, pulling away enough to decrease some of the direct contact. It wasn’t that he didn’t want more, he physically couldn’t take any more.

          Thane’s legs were heavy gel and none of his muscles wanted to do what he said anymore. It took him a few moments to catch his breath enough to speak, let alone think straight.

          “That feel good?” Shepard’s wicked, lovely, beautiful, terrible smile spread across her face while he gasped for air.     

          “Show off.” He threw her words back her, staring up at the ceiling to cool down and wondering why he’d never noticed the sky light. Shepard must have closed it when she slept.

          “Blah blah something something, satisfying a lover.” She only mangled his and pulled out fully. She rolled off him, laying on his side and rubbing his stomach. More specifically his very sensitive sides. She was making a liar of him. All of a sudden exhaustion was the last thing on his mind and he really _really_ needed more of her.

          “Water break and then we’ll go again?” He suggested coolly with a shoulder shrug.       

          She only replied with the most beautiful laugh he’d heard yet, and hugged him tightly.

          When they finally stopped. Well, no, when they had to stop, their bodies were exhausted. Between the both of them there was no way they could somehow scrape together one solid orgasm.

That, and Thane’s chest hurt too badly. There was still a “tomorrow” as far as they knew and they still had to fight. She needed him at his best. Or as best he could muster. She’d be mad with him if he gave any less.

          “You okay?” She was laid out on the bed face down but managed to gently flop a noodley arm and hand across his chest. As if her touch could sooth his illness.

          “Yes.” His chest hurt but it was okay. He was laid flat on his back and his aches were already catching up with him. It was nothing he couldn’t handle.  It had been a long time though since he’d stained his self so much but his illness hadn’t progressed so far that he wouldn’t recover with rest.

          “Are you going to stay the night. Day…” She yawned deeply and laid her head between her pillows. “Whatever time this is. Until Joker calls?”

          “Of course. I have no intentions of leaving.” Thane rolled over and wrapped an arm around her waist. She was so sweaty. So, by proxy he was covered in her sweat. They needed to shower, though he was more partial to a cool bath. He didn’t need the steam. But they were too tired anyway so it hardly mattered.

          He pulled her closer until she turned and faced him, twisting her legs into his.

          “You think if I call Mordin he’ll come up?” She asked and he was caught off guard.

          “Are you trying to make this is a threesome, Siha? Because I’m far too tired and I don’t think he’d be interested.” He joked, particularly.  If that was something she was after, Mordin would be one of the last on his list for such a thing. He talked, entirely too much.

          “No. I’m itchy.” She scratched her stomach. “He said ‘Come to me with rash develops’ but if I called, you think he’d make a house call. My legs aren’t working. Also I’m starting to see dots? Or mmmm. Something. Hopefully he has something for that too.

          Thane laughed weakly, far too exhausted for more than a weak chuckle.

          “As long as you allow me to chance to pull the covers on. I would rather the good doctor not ask to exam me as well.” He kicked around the bottom, or was it the top, what direction did they wind themselves in, he kicked where his feet were in search for a blanket. When he found it, he kicked it up enough to pull it over the both of them.  

          Mordin came quickly and to Thane’s displeasure, wanted to make sure he was sound as well. He understood the need, his body was just too tired for the chatty doctor. The drell to human interactions where more severe but there were still a few human to drell ones that could be, in his words, problematic.

          Mordin did offer to make a safe sex quick packet for them if they liked. Thane took him up on that offer since it felt like they spent half the night trying to get everything they needed to keep from getting sick.

          When he left, they got back into bed immediately. Shepard was slathered in a sweet-smelling cream to keep from a full rash breakout and Thane had taken a pill just in case any of her fluids had missed with his. Something about a possible infection, Mordin stated.

          Either way, they were content and tired. Too tired to think of the upcoming mission. Shepard had said so herself earlier, if they weren’t ready by then they wouldn’t be ready at all. And neither of them were in any state to handle any ship duties.

          So they just held each other close, their noses touching and settled in to sleep until Joker make the call. That’s when they’d worry about the mission. And death. And everything that came with it.

          “So Shepard-“ And then Garrus walked in.

          Both Shepard and Thane looked up to see their favorite turian engrossed in a data pad, unaware that he was intruding.

          “You forgot to lock the door, Siha.” Thane said with a smirk, laying his head back down on the bed and listening to Garrus scramble to leave while Shepard teased him insistently.

          With everything that had happened and had been said, and for what it was worth, this would be a good memory he’d look back on fondly. And often.  

**Author's Note:**

> Woo! Okay this was a ride! And it took a while to get done so thank you for any fans of this series. I was having a bit of a writer’s block and realized that I needed to add more Thane to the series. It is a Thane/Shep/Zaeed series after all. And what I had planned next was another Zaeed story. I scrapped the shit after trying to write it three times. Free writer’s tip- Sometimes you gotta let dead ideas die lol.  
> 
> 
> So this fic though, like Stars Make Me Choke, is about Thane’s anxiety. I decided that Drell may be really susceptible to anxiety issues because they are able revisit their memories so often and clearly. The problem wouldn’t be that they could see their memories but that their different perceptions on the memories would be a problem just like with anyone else. It would just be worst for Drell because they can see every single little detail.  
> 
> 
> So Thane seeing Shepard and Zaeed’s play fight, which didn’t bother him at all, would eventually wear on him after seeing it so many times in combination with his anxiety over his death.  
> 
> 
> I also wanted to throw some of Shepard’s feelings toward all of it in there, so I realized the series wouldn’t go further if I didn’t address that. Mass Effect 2 is very much about the feelings of the crew but Shepard went through a lot in that time. She lost her crew, she lost her life, one of her closest crew members, the Virmire survivor, thinks she’s a fake. It’s a lot and on top of having to worry about every member of the crew on a suicide mission, it doesn’t seem like she would be okay. Shepard wouldn’t be above taking the suicide mission as payment for hard word like anyone else on the ship.  
> 
> 
> Also Thane isn’t trans in this. Not that I don’t enjoy me some good trans headcanons but I decide to play around with alien bits that don’t follow a human, western binary. One day I’ll draw all that XD. Ask me on my art blog about it in the future.  
> 
> 
> I have three more fics on the ME2 side of the series. One wrap up after the mission. A date between Thane and Shepard. And a good bye fic when Shepard disbands the crew. Hopefully it won’t take me forever again!  
> 
> 
> I’m going to go back and edit other fics but I do more art than I do writing. So if you want to check out my art, my new blog name is 8-Legs.tumblr.com. Give it a look see.  
> 
> 
> If you want to see stuff involving this Shepard, Katrina Shepard, search Katrina Shepard on my art blog.  
> 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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